Response Time:
Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time.
Hardware:
See "Computer". Again, not your concern.
Software:
If we want your to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us alone.
Network:
Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all. What do you thing we do all day? By the way, Butterman... shame about your mother's pancreas.
Data:
The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any, delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the computer (see "Response Time").
System Crash:
Don't even call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The more you bother him, the longer it takes.
Downtime:
Like I said, don't ask.
Uptime:
Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face.
Vacation:
A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't try calling me. There's no point.
Computer Room:
Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door - don't even thing about it. I broke the phone last time one of your jerks called me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off the windows.
My Office:
The name says it all... it's mine; stay out.
Your Problems:
Not my concern.
Deadlines:
The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not my responsibility. Go tell somebody who cares.
Maintenance:
Software Upgrades:
Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours.
Electronic Mail:
I delete it before reading it, so don't bother sending any to me.
Defaults:
We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't mess with them; consider them mandatory.
Error Messages:
I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them for yourself.
Killing your Process:
Passwords:
I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose the, and the more you bother me, the more degrading your will be (Example: BUTTERMAN: SNOTFACE).
Users:
Software Modifications:
You don't know what your want - we'll tell you what you want. It stays like it is. Period.
Privileges:
I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said.
Priority:
Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run faster than your lousy accounting package (See "Response Time").
Terminals:
Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
Disk Space:
I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check "Data Files".
Operator:
I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually armed; always dangerous.
Backups:
Lunch:
The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of your process.
Data Security:
That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.
Eternity:
The length of time it takes me to give a sh*t about any problem that can't be resolved by killing your process.
Impossible:
Inevitable:
Menues:
If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working on it (See "Eternity").
Utilities:
I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides, they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that?
Nuisance:
You!
Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep the to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask someone else.
Sincerely,
Jørn Dahl-Stamnes
System Manager
P.S. The new diskquota of 30 kbyte per user became effective yesterday. Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts (this means you, Butterman!)